Cooking storm

Lately we have been pretty preoccupied with cooking (while the windy storm is progressing outside - not much places to go outdoors) as evident on my facebook photo page. We dont always take pictures of what we cook and eat because most time it is the normal stuff. We do when its something that require a little extra effort (or perhaps alot of extra effort).

At the moment, i am also toying with the concept of documenting adult food made out of 'necessity'. To be frank, i dont think i am a real cook per se. More like 'accidental' cook. The way i do groceries totally reflects this because i don't shop with a list. That is, i do not really plan what i want to make and then go get ingredients for it (only exception is food for baby but that's another story altogether). However, there are times when i will deliberate get one or two missing ingredients to make something because i already have the majority of the stuff at home. Most times, we will just get a bunch of generic stuff (meat, veggies, fruits) or whatever happens to be on sale at that time (most time it is mince meat of some sort). Then it is a case of "Hmm what can we make today" for the rest of the week. And believe me, it can get pretty challenging towards the later end of the week when supplies run low and you need to come up with something that involves 1 carrot, 2 tomatos, 200g of diced lamb, half a pack of tofu.

Challenging but fun and satisfying when the result turns out great (if it turned out so-so, well... at least our tummies are full). I guess it is a similar feeling for those contestants on MasterChef's invention test challenges. It is with these 'accidental dishes' that you can see the big difference between my culinary exposure vs wilkie's. I guess we ARE what we eat... After years of my mom's hakka cooking and watching cooking shows, I have a penchant for spices such as ginger, pepper, vinegary, salty savoury stuff, plus a hefty dose of 'Ang Moh' dishes. While Wilkie likes his black bean paste, curry powder, sichuan powder and dash of fish sauce, in what is what i can best describe as Asian dishes infused with 'wilkism' (mixture of hokkien, hainanese and god knows what influence).

This is also why it is not a great idea for the two of us to cook 'together'. After the first few 'clashes' where we counter questions each other's cooking processes, we decide it is best to decide who is the chef and who is the sous chef for the day. Works out great from then on. Wilk makes fantastic curries and enjoys making simple things that takes up alot of processing time. He conceded that my 'Ang Moh' dishes are better (i suspect my asian stuff, while edible, aren't really something to call home about) and i enjoy 'mixing & matching' the various ideas i have seen.

Still, there is always room for improvements but i doubt i will ever become a real cook. One case in point, while Wilkie is quite meticulously writing down all the recipes of stuff he made on his blog. I can hardly be bothered with mine. Mainly cos, i dont actually follows recipes.. it is the "see how it goes" and "i think i shd add this now" sort of thing. Aiya.. can eat can already la..

Mine or Baby's

The problem of keeping two blogs is that it gets really tiring trying to write and not 'overlap'. Hence i decided that Avery's blog shall just be everything from her POV but otherwise, i am just going to keep posting here. Who knows, when she is older, i will just hand over her blog to her and she can continue it.. (If i last that long that is).

Meal Planning for Avery

Since Avery started on solids, it has been quite an adventure trying to cook different things to increase her meal time options and expand her palate. But it is difficult to cook single portions each time so i've come up with a sort of system to provide her with a basic variety of meal options and maximizing time-efficiency. Not a perfect system but so far it is working out for me in terms ofproviding her with 3 square meals a day.

Preparing Stock - once a week
This is pretty easy because i will strain out about 4 portions of stock to freeze while preparing soup for our own meals. The best and easiest is the traditional ABC soup because i can also mash up some portions of the vegs in the soup for Avery at the same time.

Ingredients for ABC Soup - Chicken Bones (or breast meat - less oil, or whatever soup bones), 1 large onion, 1 large tomato, 2 potatos, 1 carrot (sometimes i add 1 corn cob as well). Be sure to wash the bones off with boiling water before adding into the pot of boiling water to reduce the scrum forming. I will set aside 3-4 portions of about 180-200ml for freezing. Additional, i've also freeze 1 portion of the soup (with various chunks of veggies)

Mass-Production of a Protein cum Veggie Mix (e.g. Beef/Veg Stew) - once a week
I will usually do it on the weekend and i will end up with about 5-6 baby cubes portion of this. It is easy to make and it can be done with any type of mince meat (lamb, chicken..). Similarly, the veggies can also vary depending on what i think Avery likes for the week. So far i have used, squash (butternut or pumpkin), sweet potato, corn (grated), potato, peas, carrot, small onion, broccoli. The consistent one is of course the mince and tomato, plus 2 other type of veg (i find that any more veg and it is a waste of ingredients because it will all end up tasting pretty much the same).

Recipe for Beef/Veg Stew (Squash & Corn)
1) Take 1 large tomato, cut a small cross at the top and cover it with boiling water for 30s. Then immediately put into cold water. Peel off the skin (that's what the cross cut is for). Cut and scoop out the seeds, then dice the flesh.

2) Chop finely (or small cubes) 1/4 small squash (peeled and deseeded). Grate 1 corn cob.

3) Heat 1 tsp of olive oil and saute 115 grams of lean mince beef till brown/crumbly (about 3-4mins). Add in the squash and tomato, saute it till veggie is all soft. Then add in 150ml of water or stock (i would use the one i've freezed) and bring it to a boil. Stir in the grated corn and then reduce heat and simmer for about 10-15mins.

When Avery was younger, i would puree the whole thing, adding some water if the mixture is too thick but nowadays, she can pretty much eat the soften veggie on her own. I just need to make sure that before i cook the mince, i minced it further on my own, chopping and mashing it with the back of my chopper.

Steam fish (salmon, grenadier etc) - once a week
I will try to let Avery have 1 or 2 portions of fish a week because omega 3 in oily fish are suppose to be good. A portion of fish, about 1 inch thick and 3-4 inches wide, can be split into 2-3 baby cubes. Just steam with 2 slice of ginger, a touch of pepper (optional). I tend to freeze them before flaking. When reheating, i will add a bit of water before reheating because fish tends to dry out.

Steam and mash Veg/Fruit - once a week
Can do 2-3 different type of veggie and fruits at the same time. Like pears, apples etc. I will usually make enough to fill 3-4 baby cubes. Or else it is handy to have fruits that does not need to be steam around the kitchen (e.g. papaya, honeydue)

Porridge - 3 times a week
I do not freeze porridge so what's cook on the day will be used for lunch and dinner. I will soak the rice the night before and before cooking it, i rub the rice to break it down further. The porridge can be boiled with water and a few pieces of dried scallops (soaked in hot water first for 15mins). But i will add a portion of the stock in (top up with water to required amount) without the scallops most of the time (unless i have no more stock at hand). In the porridge, i will add in veggies like spinach, broccoli, carrot, potato, sweet potato etc. For the hardier veg like potato, carrot, sweet potato and broccoli, i will add in when the porridge first come to a boil, but for spinach, i will add in before i serve. The trick to cooking porridge without it sticking to the pot is NOT to stir it anytime it is being boiled. Once the porridge comes to a boil, reduce the heat and continue to boil for another 15-20mins. Once the porridge is almost done, switch off the gas, cover the lid and leave it for another 15mins. When it is time for Avery's lunch, i will turn on the gas and then stir, mashing up the veggie as i go along, to the suitable texture.

So how does it all work out?
Breakfast is usually instant cereal with a portion of fruit (e.g. banana is always handy or just some steam apples).

Lunch/Dinner.. It is matter of mixing and matching really.
Some ideas:
- The portions of stock can be used for porridge and cooking stews.

- The portion of soup (with veg) can be reheated, once done, add 1 tsp of couscous and leave to stand for 2-3mins (or run it thru the microwave at low heat for 2mins).

- Beef stew can be served with porridge, instant cereals, baby pasta (just cook the pasta and stir in the reheated stew) or with mash potato. Grate on some hard cheese (e.g. cheddar) and it will be yummy.

- For porridge, either add in one type of mince meat (pork or chicken) or if plain, stir in fish flakes or even the beef stew. If Avery is having one portion of protein for lunch, then she will have the plainer veg porridge with one portion of fruits for dinner.

- I always have some avocado lying around my kitchen as an additional 'dish' to add to her lunch or dinner because she loves them so much. Otherwise, lunch or dinner gets an additional mash veg or steam fruit.

So there we go... enough food to go around. On and off when i do run short, there are also emergency jar food to add on for variety sake. I have fruit custard which are great to add in her cereals for breakfast or tea. And now i am trying yogurt and cheese cubes for snacks, on top of her rusk biscuits. Actually, before Wilk and i started our 'cooking blitz', i would say Avery is the one having the best meals in the family everyday!

Choices

In the last week, my dear hubs made a few difficult choices which i truly appreciated how difficult it must have been for him.

I think we all need to make such choices in some point in time of our lives, one that will possibly determine who we are and who we will be in the future. Sometimes the choices may be as simple as crossing a stream while others, it is like taking that leap across the mighty canyon.

I know he feels that he owes alot of people (including me) alot of explanation but i think it is really unnecessary because he is who he is and he should always try to live his life for himself first and foremost, than any others. As long as his choices makes him feel fulfil and happy, Avery and I will feel the same. That's what family is all about right?

I wish i can help him more but i guess certain things can only be decided by oneself. The only issue with this is that sometimes people perceived that his decisions were somewhat because of me... and well, thats another story altogether and not one i am quite happy to go into. In any case, as long as he is doing what he feels passionate about, i am happy to stand beside him. There is really no reason why he feels the need to justify his decisions to others in my opinion. But i know its tough for someone who cares so much about what people close to him feels and think. Don't know what else i can say except... i believe in you... it will be alright. :)

People with clean asses

There are those people who have really clean asses. No matter how much shit they pooped (pardon the rather gross analogy) but they always come out smelling like roses.

Me? I get shit on my shoes even when i am waving my pompoms at the other end of the stadium from the toilet.

See... some people are just born into that type of life while others, like me, tread in poo even when trying to avoid it.

What gives?

Defensive offensive

In any games, i would usually prefer to play offensive than defensive. I am the type that rather 'do' than 'wait' you see... Its usually 'attack first, talk later'. Sure, sometimes you might get your head bashed in but i'd rather like to go down in flames of glory than cower behind castle walls. Guess, it is no wonder that i get my head bashed in more often than not... since some will argue, i don't fight smart.

Of life and love and everything else in between...

As my good friend, Twerp, used to say: "Eye god eh lanning node" *sniff* My first pressie from baby...

Life is melbourne is best described as a slice of quiet, sandwiched by bustling mummy-dom. It is time and energy consuming to say the least. That slice of quiet is slowly becoming thinner and thinner as baby gets older and more active. Boy, am i glad that she is still napping regularly and bedtime has been regulated (9pm and the little one starts to zone out, yay!). The initial euphoria (or was it hysteria, or fear? Hmmm can't remember now. Think pregnancy amnesia has not abated) has dissipated and now i am truly facing the grind of the daily melbournean(?) life. With the wintery gales blowing outside and baby's cold, baby and i are pretty much stuck at home while wilk goes to school. I dress sloppily, hair all messed up and has my shirt pretty much covered in baby drool and mucous (so no point getting all dressed up in the first place right?). The day is spent according to baby's routine of feeding, bathing, cleaning, playing and sleeping. I try to fit in some personal time when she goes to zz-zz land for some quality "Me" time but usually, those periods are spent completing housework or vegging out infront of my computer, with the TV doing running commentary of whatever show they have on (sometimes it can be something engaging like a nice documentary, then i am in luck).

That's life in short. Simple, quiet and minimal fuss. I know i ought to start doing 'more' (hmmm.. baking??) but for now, i am quite contented to just sort of 'drift' awhile. Quite a drastic change from my daily fire-fighting (email lambasting) days of yore, at work. I do miss the adult interactions, esp my buddies from work etc but i get my dose of it from FB, twitter, MSN daily on cyberspace. If i really want to see anyone, there's also skype but i try not to (see the above regarding 'sloppy'). Actually, now that i am not working and being busy outside of the house, i actually get to chat with more people that falls outside my usual zone of interaction (workplace), which is not too bad as well.

Seriously though... the only thing i really sort of 'miss' is perhaps the financial independence i've had while i was working. Not that i earned a lot (people in the voluntary welfare sector can attest to that) but since i am not an extravagent spender (mostly meals and movies), i do get by quite well with my modest disposable income every month. And when baby comes along, i delighted in scouring through various buying sprees organized on forums for things that might be useful or nice for her (playmat, baby cream etc). But i will be more hesitant to indulge in that now. Actually, i didnt miss the money much when we got here. Sure, we are both not working but we have set aside a fair amount of money (ok, enough la) for our lives here, at least to cover us for 2-3yrs (if we are careful with it). And with my virtually non-existent personal spending habit (serious! Ask wilk!), i didnt feel much of the pinch when the income stopped coming in.

BUT.. and this is a big BUT, i did feel that sour, bitter feeling of not having the option of spending money as i please (as and when i like) when i find having to stop myself from several purchases, which i otherwise would have made if i am still working, for baby. Toys that she might have liked (or not, but it doesn't matter), clothings, furnitures, cutesy bedlinen (they cost a fortune!) etc. I have weight each purchases against our budget, the necessity of the item and look for cheaper alternatives. So, while we are by no means poor and i am pretty comfortable personally, sometimes it made me uncomfortable and sometimes a bit sad to think that perhaps that we may not be able to provide the best in everything for the baby. But then, at the end of the day, i just have to remind myself that not all things that are worthwhile and good, can be equated to a price tag. Baby still get her fair share of toys and clothings, just that we buy them from sales and i am most grateful when friends/family send gifts or gift cards.

Initially, there is that tiny grain of 'pride' that makes me wonder if i am receiving 'charity' because of our circumstances but then, i am not ashamed of where we are now because it is a conscientious choice we've made which we had prepared ourselves for. Well-meaning gifts from friends and family shouldn't be seen as charity. I always think that people will pity you, only if you pity yourself. So while its true that baby may not have tons of toys and pretty clothes, but i don't think she will grow to think that she has less than her peers because i certainly don't think that she has less. Hey, like my brother said, its 'character-building'! Well, i truly hope that then she will be gifted with a good character, a strong spirit and a loving heart above all else.

Domestic goddess? Moi?

Here in my new life... i imagined a simple life filled with baby, husband, housework, cooking and... well... everything else in between. The other women i've met or know of here, are what i would simply describe as "domestic goddesses" (even if they themselves don't think they are). They cook, they bake, they quilt, they plant, they sow, they harvest, they do housework, they take care of children and still managed to look fantastic. The blogs i read are filled with recipes... arts and crafts... gardening tips... tips for caring of children... with happy pictures of happy family.

I think i have a lot to live up to...
and i worry that i am probably going to fail rather miserably.

Do i like to bake?
Do i like to cook?
Well.. i guess i do like to eat...

Do i like to quilt? Make crafts? Garden?
Hmmmmm.....

Do i like taking care of kids?
It used to be my job.

Do i like doing housework?
It will take a rare individual who actually enjoys housework but it does bug me if things are messy. Still.. i can close one eye or two...

I think people who look at me leaving my respected job as a psychologist, leaving my comfortable life with a domestic helper, for a place like Melbourne with my family and 6 pieces of luggage must think that i am all set to be a stay-at-home-mom cum domestic 'divinity' (perhaps goddess is just abit too much). Here's the dips... i have no freaking clue. So far, i am just making it up as i go along. I doubt i will quilt or garden (wilk seems interested). I may cook or bake occasionally but i wont be surprise if my buns come out rock hard. Wilk will probably still find my cooking a little 'off' compared to what he would like. As for housework.. i think the one eye/two eye close policy will probably still stand.

I wouldn't be a psychologist to my baby but just another average mom... making do with commercial cereals or throw everything into the pot meal if i'm feeling lazy or spent too much time online playing bejewelled blitz on facebook. I will play with her but i will also feel harrassed enough to leave her on her own while i struggle to complete the housework or cooking. Wilk will probably not find me a better 'wife' compared to our lives in Spore cos i am still going around in my tattered t-shirts and grumbling at him whenever he fuss with the garden or take too much time in the kitchen or computer. We will still go out as a family... but probably not as often as we thought we would. At least not till baby is older.

So... a domestic life yes. If you can call it that. But like everyone else... we are just surviving and learning that happiness is in the little things, in everyday non-perfect lives, with what we have. Goddess? I think i am just human.. and it's enough for me... for now.

OH! Wanton mee!

So.. the other day we made wantons... Got the wanton skins from the same asian grocer we got the soyabeans.

Mince pork, shitake mushroom... No water chestnuts so we substituted with carrots. End result is we need abit more seasoning and less pork mince. We had enough filling to make wantons for 20 pax instead of just 3 (me, wilk and my bro). Made about 8 wantons for each person and leftover mince was used to make a sort of meat pancake.. well to be precise, 3 big meat pancakes since raw stuff should never be re-freezed.

With the wanton, we had noodles and caixin in soup... wish we had some char sieu but hey, at least we had the wantons! Still have alot of wanton skins left.. am thinking if i could use them to make sieu mais.. hmmm if not i guess its fried wantons.. I love fried wantons. Wilk not so much but oh well.. there are enough wanton skins to go around. Any more suggestions what to do with the wanton skins?

Milking... the soyabean

This can be considered our first home 'project'... making soyabean milk.

Things that we usually take for granted back home can be downright expensive. A small cup of soyabean milk, we found, was AUD$2 at Boxhill's food court compared to S$0.80 a big packet from wet market back home. We are resigned to the fact that some things are going to be comparatively more expensive here but we are certainly trying not to be held ransom by it whenever we feel like having some 'home comforts'. Hence, "Project Soyabean".

So a bag of raw soyabeans and 10stalks of cut pandan leaves (or what the locals called screw pine leaves), wilk embarked on his mission to obtain a home-brewed soyabean milk, with my little trusty U-Like blender. I got the U-Like blender from Singapore from one of my motherhood forums' spree, with the sole purpose of pureering Avery's food and it came with an attachment for extracting soyabean milk. So there we go... all geared up to start.

So armed with a recipe printed from one of my blog links, we set off on our great quest for soyabean milk. First we soaked 300g of beans. But before that... a interesting problem. How do we tell how much is 300g of beans from a 1kg bag? Wilk suggested splitting the whole bag into 10 exact portions and then soak 3 of it. We debated about it for a while before decided that Wilk should just get a cooking weighing scale from the warehouse shop (it is like a mustafa in electronic goods) around the corner. So a weighing scale and soaked-bean night later, we were ready to make the soyabean milk.

First, the blending. The attachment was filled up to 3/4 with beans and boiling water then blended twice over, with one change of water. So far so good, till second round of beans when the motor of the blender suddenly stopped working. Apparently it had overheated and the motor automatically turns off. This happened twice and each time we had to wait 15 mins for the motor to cool down before we can resume blending. With 300g of beans, that was 4 change of beans, twice with cut pandan leaves inside.

Step two, once the beans were blended, the milk was poured through a sieve. To sieved out the powdery residue from the blended milk, we were supposed to pour it through a muslim cloth or coffee filter. Since we did not have either and couldn't find them in the Coles supermarket nearby... we used a clean baby nappy (folded in quarters) instead, thanks to a suggestion from Angela (we had dinner the other night and mentioned our intention to make soyabean milk). Worked really well and soon we had a nappy-ful of soyabean residue, and a pot full of smooth creamy soyabean milk.

Step three, cooking the milk with pandan leaves. This is relatively simple. Just boiling the milk in low heat with bunches of pandan leaves (scored and bundled) for 15-20mins then sugar is added to taste. After that, we are done. So far the 300g of beans yield about 1.5litre of soyabean milk which we painstakingly poured using a ladle into an empty 2litre juice carton which we had saved for the purpose. We also kept some unsugared portion for Avery. After all we ought to share the fruits of our labour with those we love right? All in all, that's 2 hours for 1.5litre of soyabean milk, now left cooling on our countertop, soon to be put into the fridge. And the taste... MmMmmm pretty good but i think we could perhaps hold back a little on the pandan.

Side note: We should have saved the soyabean pulp. Wilk remarked that it looked pretty 'edible' but he had already trashed it by the time i googled for it's uses. Apparently it is called okara and is pretty nutritious, used in many vegetarian dishes. There are also okara recipes online. Darn! Perhaps next time. I think we could probably add some pepper, salt.. fry it etc.. think will taste like tofu perhaps! Aiya.. wasted.

Well... there will probably be more "projects", esp now that we have a weighing scale (cant be just making soyabean milk right?). I think baking may be in order since we have a working oven. Time to look for interesting recipes online again.

Melbourne dreaming...

Time wheezed and here we are, family of 3 in Melbourne.

First, let's just go through what we had to do before we go on to the whole emotional feeling stuff...

Arrived on the 6th and since then, we have been cleaning and settling... and cleaning.. and well, more cleaning. We are staying at the condo my dad bought 12 years ago when my brother was studying here. It is not very big, 3 bedrooms/2 baths with a small kitchen & living/dining. Still, more than adequate for a family of 3. Since the place had been rented out to tenants for the last year, there were definitely quite a number of things to clean & sort out, starting from the kitchen. We also threw out a number of stuff which was unusable, which then necessitate us getting new things such as pots and pans. Thankfully, the apartment also came with an old car, left by my brother, which again, thankfully started on my first try (dad was in melb and changed the car battery back in March).

So for the first week, we were out everyday to get 'stuff'.. from groceries (QV market, Coles, Woolworths, Asian supermarket in Richmond) to cot mattress/baby stuff (Target, Myers, Baby Bunting at Hampstead rd). And everywhere that we went, baby was sure to go. Since there is no longer any more 'babysitter' available on hand, Avery goes where we go, including to Uni Melb when Wilk had to go do his enrolment. Did managed to get a evening 'off' and 3 of us had a nice dinner down at Docklands. The other nice thing about this condo is the location. We are just around the corner from QV market and the condo is just next to the CBD. 15mins walk away is Docklands & Southern Cross station where there are factory outlets etc. The free city circle tram is just outside though we have not used it yet. With the car, we have been going further afield such as to Ikea in Richmond (to pick up some furniture for baby and ourselves) and Footscray. We also went to Bawlyn to meet up with our friend who help us get a baby cot for Avery.

I guess it is so far so good. Appliances in the condo are working, so is the central heating (took us a while to figure it out) and we had started to cook dinner over the last few nights once the kitchen is cleaned out and stocked up. The only thing missing is a usable rice cooker (the old one was all scrapped inside with the teflon falling off so didn't think we should continue to use it) so we had been eating pasta, porridge and noodles for staple over simple dishes that we put together. Would be great to do more complicated stuff once we get the oven/grill cleaned and stock up on more stuff beyond the essentials. However, baby's been getting a great menu from the fresh veggies and fruits we have here. She is on to two meals of cereal a day and that's accompanied with 2 other side dishes (so far avocado, pumpkin, banana, apple, pear, potato, carrot). Actually looking forward to making more stuff for her because she is such a great little eater.
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Okie.. taking a breath...
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Frankly.. i have not tried to think about how i feel about all these. The move is a big thing for me.. our family and in order to concentrate on helping baby and us to settle in, i have just push any possible emotional baggage behind my mind. Wilk said that i am being an emotional ostrich (i.e. sticking head in the sand) but i think it had help me focus on what needs to be done without being caught up in fear, insecurity, apprehension and sadness. And by the time i have time to look at those feelings, i will be already living the 'Melbourne life'. So far, it had worked for me. Even now, thinking back on the departure, i do feel sadness about leaving things and people i am familiar with behind, but because things have stablize pretty much here, i am not seized by fear of the 'unknown'.

One think i know for certainty, i couldnt have done it without Wilk beside me, each step of the way. It is like the days when we were back in London, except we are so much older now and with a baby. He took charge of the heavy stuff like putting together the furniture and the sorting out the appliances etc so that i can concentrate on the baby. The best thing is, once the chores are done, we both have time to play and interact with the baby. I think that's the best thing that's happening right now and both of us are witnessing her growth together as it happens, instead of hearing it from other caregivers if we were back at work. I feels immensely satisfied that we had managed settling her into a nice routine on our own esp in the first few days when things were topsy turvy. Really, if we could do all that, there is nothing we couldn't do together as a family. With me and wilk working as a team and avery thriving despite all the swine flu thing flying around in Melbourne and being alone here on our own, I think we will do pretty okie...

Farewell Party

Colleagues threw me a farewell party last week in school, by the pool. We had pizza and sushi... And i was given a GPS (so that i wont get lost) as well as a Rainbow Book for rememberance of my time in RC. All the therapists and senior teachers were there, together with my principal (vice principal came later). Some of them, i've known since the first day i stepped into the job on 1st Feb 2001, others came after me and i've watched them 'grow' into their job just as others had watched me. It was a nice gathering.. tinged with sadness for me as i have to say goodbye to my first job and the people who had all, in some ways, made my work there memorable.

There's Fauziah, my principal... she was the one who supported me in all that i've done (even when my HOD did not) and gave me good solid advice for my work, my relationship with colleagues and even wrt my personal life.

Fiona, 1 of the two 'surviving' PPG left now (with PS)... I was there when she first came (left and then rejoin) to BSS and she has never failed to make me laugh. We were crazy enough to go travelling together to Alice's Spring and then sky diving in Perth... and man, i would do so again in a heartbeat cos she had been great company.

Puaysze, the other PPG... going to be a mommy soon and i am going to missed the arrival of her bb! Imagine that, one of the 'baby' of the PPG is going to be a mommy herself. I just know she will make a great mom (probably better than i) becos' she is so infinitely patient.

Mui Hoon, our SW... Solid, dependable... i think alot of things would have fallen apart if not for her. I enjoy how we complement each other at work and her maturity and views regarding our students families, really helped me see more than one side of things in my strong-headedness.

Sze Wee, HOD of SW... Same age but already a funky mother of 3. It is amazing how she keeps it all together when i am just barely coping with 1! I remembered Angela saying that they were there commenting about my hair on the day of my interview in BSS. Well, 7 years down the road, i think that's the last thing on her mind about me and we shared quite a lot of sound discussion along the way regarding the organization.

Murthy, HOD of SLT... ever the quiet gentleman. He may seem quite unassuming but he's been there so much longer than i have and i've always felt like a rookie in his company but i have had nothing much encouragement from him esp when i was still young in my job.

Cordilia, the psych i half-supervised after our HOD left... I hope i have done a fair job in supervising her. It is not easy, being a psych for EIPIC on her own and i wish her all the best... I am sure she is more than equip to do a good job.

Rozila & Izah, our PCMH snr teacher and EIPIC manager... one's quiet and other chatty... between the two of them, a wealth of mothering experience which they generously shared.

Binu, snr SLT... he joined just 1 year before i did and we had fun performing for our DnDs when we were young therapists. That was before he got married and now he is the proud daddy of two kids.

May Tun, snr PT... she is one of the most patient and giving lady i've met. She always makes me feel like i did so much when compared to her, it is really nothing. I remembered she would take time to massage my fractured arm even though it was after work. Till now, she insist that it was i who had helped her when it was the other way round.

The younger ones... Kartheek, Johnson, Hui Ting, Kate, Jenny... all the newbies whom i regret not knowing very well, except for those whom i 'bullied' during screening. Its always hard to get therapists and i know we have been lucky to have them working in RC.

Snr teachers like Syifaa, Siti, Peggy, Kin Fai, Latha... without their help, it would have been so tough serving the program... thanks to them, my work became easier.

Shah, HOP of STEP... though she could not be at the farewell... it would be amiss if i missed out this dynamo of a lady whom life has thrown onto my path when i joined RC and work for STEP. I can always disagree with her but there is no way i can ever be angry (for long anyway) becos of her enthusiasm for her program and exuberant spirit.

There are probably alot of people i should pen down my thoughts but... there are just too much.. the teachers, uncle teo, auntie jenny, willard, and all the kids and their families whom i know... I remembered Kenneth (my first ET kid), Timmy and his pretty mom, OCK, ZK (whom i had to go get ready for school with Angela at 630am at his home), Aaron, Bryan, Joel, Randy, Matthew, Neerai, Joan Marie, Eugene, Jared, Shawn, and so many more...

Boy... i am going to miss everyone.

33 and counting

Turned 33 yesterday in an altogether non-eventful day. Missed out on having a cake but the choc/raspberry mousse cake from babes the week before last more than made up for it (well, i did finish it all by myself *guilty*). Finally had a chance for a nice 'adult' luncheon with sue at an italian place (for some reasons, japanese restaurants just doesn't open in the afternoons around Robertson quay.. hahaha) which was very very nice (drool over the goose liver and seafood risotto). Oh, my first glass of red in a longggggg while (it is difficult to indulge when you are breastfeeding).

But the day's best gifts still come from the two people i love most in the world... my darling hubs and bb. Got a suave looking orange BabyG (my last BabyG's strap got really yucky, i know) and hubs & bb got together to make me a sweet comic book greeting plus a cute video recording of hubs singing Happy Bday alongside bb. Touching... :~)

Can't wait for the day when both of them can sing together for me on my bday...Heh heh :)

End of the road...

I've finally submitted my resignation. I will have to serve 2 months notice, starting after my maternity ends on the 19th of March. After taking into consideration the annual leave i'm suppose to have this year, my last day at work should be sometime in the first week of May.

It is not a shock to most at work since it was something in the pipelines for a while now. Actually quite a long while since i've spoken of it to my boss before my HOD herself quit 1 1/2 years ago. At that time i was frustrated with work, even though Wilk has not been prepared to go to Australia, i decided to quit and bum around for a bit. But when my HOD left, i just couldn't leave the dept with two new girls who just joined the organization. Besides, the major part of my frustrations lay with the way things were done by my HOD so when my boss asked me to stay on to help the new girls and dept, i decided to accept.

Over the last 1 1/2 years i have been working with the idea that i have to make the dept self-sufficient and effective without me there to support them. As the senior psych, my job scope really changed and i no longer had much times to really be with the kids. But i am quite satisfied with my new role as a supervisor and being able to be involved with the school's programs and policies as a senior staff. It made it easier for me to lay the things necessary for the dept to continue functioning without a head. Now that i am really going, i am at least glad to say that the decisions and supervision which i had been involved with, are things which i would not regret.

On the flip side, i am apprehensive moving from my comfort zone into the unknown. This job has been my first job and on looking back, i think i did a fairly good job of it and definitely learnt alot. It is with sadness now that i am leaving, as compared to more than a year ago, where it would have been a lot more bitterness and anger. I have many colleagues whom i am happy to call good friends now and i'd like to think that i made a difference in the lives of the kids and families whom i had seen and worked with. I know my bosses are genuinely sad to see me leave and would have preferred me taking no-pay leave for 2 years instead but i didn't think it would be fair since i am not sure when i will come back. However, given a chance, i think i will want to work with them again, despite all the challenges which i know the organization have.

Just over dinner the other night with my soon-to-be ex-colleagues, i realized how much i have changed in the last 7 years (it would have been my 8th year starting feb). What used to frustrate me about work, the helplessness i felt about the situation, now i felt that i can do something about it with the system that i am in. I've reached a position where my views are respected, sought after and held weight with the people above me. Though i have never been shy to express my views even while i was a 'rookie', i think i am more mature now and have learnt to put my points across with more effectiveness.

With new projects looming for the organization, i could have continue to contribute what i have but i guess i must draw a line somewhere and the time is now. At the back of my mind, one thing still holds true... no one is indispensible. I certainly do not think that i am indispensible but i want to ensure that before i leave, the people behind me would not have to take over a mess, the way which i had to. I also want to leave happy, with my head held high with no ill feelings or regrets. I guess i have achieved that in my own way.

My life as a mom...

Since Avery arrived, i hardly had anytime for myself, much less to blog. My mornings, afternoons and evenings (with the exception when wilk is around) are devoted to the little one. The initial 2 weeks were horrible as i had to deal with confinement and also taking care of her but things are getting into shape as i establish our routine together. Now, at least i can surf the web, watch tv and eat my meals whenever she is napping after her feeds.

Occasionally i still get abit of hang-ups that i couldn't go out as i please and take long naps but i guess that's the price of growing up and becoming a Mother. Now, if i get a chance to take a long shower, sit by myself and watch some tv while wilk is watching out for the baby, that's considered a bonus. In a way, i considered myself a pretty relax mom since i don't panic easily and taking things pretty easy regarding the care of baby. Trust me, good organizational/planning skills really goes a long way when fixing up the schedule such that i can go out for 1-2 hours on my own. The sleeping part, well, my body will just have to get used to it.

Crazy 2 weeks

Didn't want to update because i really had no 心情 to do so. Plus no time.

Abit tired to keep explaining to people where i have been and what i am doing.
Also not in the mood to make much small talk.

Yes, i apologize if i don't reply to msn or chat either.

Stuff has happened at home and i am just dealing. The last two weeks, i am pretty much in the 'just action - not thinking' mode. I think i can afford this little time to do some thinking now because we are no longer milling around trying to figure a way through and we have something concrete to embark on. Starting today.

So, if i still don't say much or don't make small talk, kindly understand.
心情不好，不想说话，应该不是罪吧？

Anyway, Wilk & I are OK and so's bbump. I guess that's already a blessing.

Alamak! 3 Years Oready!

Dearest B!

Time flies eh, and its been 3 years.

Just recounting the days last night, and i still found it amazing that:

1) We were friends for 5 years
2) Dated for the next 7 years
3) Married for 3 years after that.

That's 15 years of our lives together. If we had a kid when we first met (holy cow.. scandalous!!!), he/she would be a teenager by now! Instead, we were the guai guai kias and now then have little bump.

Okie, so life had been crazy on and off. We literally grew up together, both age-wise and "tummy-wise", and it hasn't been the easiest journey (friends could attest to that i think, and our families). But then, we perservered and seems like we are going to go the next step together, being parents! Scary isn't it?

Though we have only been married for 3 years but i don't think we can look back and not see those years before the wedding because, it seems like we were married a longer time than just 3. Just look at the number of endearments we have worn off over the years... mewmew, mm, xiongmewmew, xmm, mookmook, dearie, wifey, hubby, B, BB, etc etc etc... Till finally, it may be just.. 老伴，老太婆...

Both of us aren't the model husband model wife type of people, i know. But i think we can safely say, we are OUR type of people. I am crazy enough for you, and you are patient enough for me. And we make each other laugh... most of the time. :) We have drifted apart.. came together and entertained flitting thoughts of whether this would work, and before either of us knew it, it seemed to have.

B, i know i don't tell you this often (no.. not "I love you".. i say that almost everyday!) but i am really proud of you. I am also grateful for the changes and sacrifices that you have had to make for me (and now for little bump) though i wish that you didn't have to. You have always been the patient and more emotionally stable one between the two of us. And though i nag about your tendency to care about the feelings of every other people and disregarding your own (occasionally mine), i am proud that you are the big-hearted person that you are, which i can never quite do the same.

After all, you settled into those quirks my family has, eat the food my mother cooks and talk cock with my bros even while you know i struggled to do the same with yours. We are that different but you accepted me (and my village). It still amazes me how those aunties can just TALK to you when they don't even talk to me! Yes, you sometimes get abit rigid about certain things and values which i know i don't quite share nor understand but then, there would be times when i would have drowned in endless frustration if not for your timely mediation and comfort.

In short, my life would have been a lesser place without you around.

It's been 3 years eh, but i think it ought start to get fairly interesting from henceforth. You may think it is the hormones talking but heck, i am really feeling like we are in a good place together now.

So continue to walk, hop, skip and jump with me, yes?

Ho Ho Ho.. as your PM said, "More good years ahead!"

:) muaks
xmm

Its the time of the year for reports.

There are about 4 pending assessment reports to complete but good thing is, i am finding writing reports a breeze now that i have found a knack for it. No more long-windy reports, nowadays my reports are more concise and at max, 6-7 pages (it used to be at least 10). Could be shorter still but it depends on my style that day.

Our clinicial supervisor has finally enlightened me about the point of writing psych reports which for the longest time, my previous head did not impart upon us. So I've always been writing a sort of a mixed up behavioural cum psychological report, that's not very clear on what's its objective. The initial change was also abit tough because i was drilled to write long descriptive reports about a child's behaviour and less so of the concise and evaluative report. What finally made sense? When the clinical supervisor asked us, "who is our targetted audience" for reading the report and "what's the purpose". Immediately it led me to think of all those literature essay i used to have to write.

I came from Arts and was in one of the best school with some of the best literature teachers in Singapore (IMHO). They were the ones that started me reading and writing critically about what i've read. I can imagine one of my lecturers rolling over in disgust if i were to show him my psych report now. "Bladderdash!" he would say and "what a load of rubbish!". "What points are you trying to make?", "Why are you such a long-winded gasbag?", "More words doesn't equate more sense!".

So much for good training.

Anyway, time to review and go back to thinking critically again. Good thing is, i am finding this more of a breeze compared to before where i have to constantly find things to justify and over-justify. I used to be proud with how i can write long flowy reports. Now, i find it enjoyable to be succint and make each sentence a professional evaluative one. I still need to improve as i go along but at least i feel that this time, i am moving in the right direction. Funny, how it took me so long to understand what should have been inherent. Guess my brain wasn't quite functioning the way it is supposed to.

二零零七年十月一日的我。

很久没上这播客来了。
近期的我，很没劲，很没心情做任何事。
有一种被约束的感觉。
是一种心灵与身体都被捆绑的压迫感。。。
真让人纳闷！

我有时会搞不清自己究竟想些什么，在干些什么。
日子一天一天的从我的思绪里变得越来越没有目的。
我甚至怀疑我到底是否还记得我自己是谁，自己的梦想是什么。
我想我应该已经忘了。
连自己的日子该这么过都不记得了。

以往不断努力找寻的个人天堂，我还有影像吗？
那种带着无限倔强，理想，抱负，一直不停的相信paradise就在前方的我到哪里去了？

还记得吗？
还想着吗？
停止了吗？
放弃了吗？

一个古老的传说：
梦想还没被遗忘前是能给于拥有它的个人一种无限的力量。而且每个人都能很容易的拥有梦想。可是一旦把梦想遗忘了，就很难的能把它得会来。

被人们遗忘的梦想都没有消失。它们只是象冬眠的花朵，一个个沉睡在遥远的冰雪天国的一所城堡里，等着一个人带着一丝的阳光来把它们从沉睡中唤醒。

那是一个艰辛的旅程，必须越过无数的高山流水，抵挡着极度的寒冷与危险。很多人都在失去梦想后，又在想找回它的路途里，受不了而遗失了自己。很少人能在跌倒后，再爬起来继续他们的旅途找回自己的梦想。这是因为这是神给与人们的一种处罚，一种考验。让人们意识到保护自己梦想的重要性，体会到拥有梦想的可贵。

我的梦想还在吗？

Nevermore!

I swear this will be the last time i help out the organization's training & consultancy thing to do training. Not to 'rubbish' their efforts or anything, but i seriously don't have that much of a good impression of them. Perhaps the unit is too small but the fact that they are trying to 'sell' themselves sometimes make me ask if they 知不知道天高地厚。给我一种口花花的感觉。很wayang.

Back to the training. Supposed to be an easy thing since all the materials/videos are there and the powerpoints etc. I was only to deliver it since F is "unavailable". Seems F's on leave but something that L said also made me wondered if they wanted someone else to do it this time. I hate working 'with' F because of her tardiness in work, being undependable and the flowery language. Took a while for F to send me the powerpoints san videos. F said to send me the video clips etc by the weekend but still nothing on monday. Turned out that she was on leave and in Sentosa. Well, nobody told me. Admin had to hound her for me and when the clips finally came, the footage is unbelievably OLD. The child in the clip has already graduated 2 years ago and the psychologist has quit 5 years ago. I swear the clip was before MY time. I can't believe F has been using these for the training for so long.

The powerpoints' materials needed tweaking too. Too 'showy' and you have to dig for the substance. Bottomline, i am not sure if it will meet up to current needs at all. So much for "just need to deliver". I had to come up with new games, new format of organizing the training and reschedule the sequence just 2 days before (by the time i was confirmed to do this and chasing people for the material, i am almost suppose to be up there already) because i don't want to be up there and get shot as a lousy trainer due to bad materials. Anyway, the training facilities sucked. 30 people crowded into one tiny room the size of my HDB living room. No wonder everyone rated logistics badly.

Next week's part II will be just my stuff i think. I told admin to trash the handouts because I refused to 'own' those materials. Maybe that's why L wanted me to do it, these people seriously need to get in touch with the ground work again and refresh their materials ASAP. And they are still out there training teachers. I doubt i am that fantastic a trainer but frankly, i wouldn't want to sit for their training as a trainee at all. I may not be a good speaker, but one edge i definitely have over them is that i am more in tune with what's happening with the subject matter. Any Tom, Dick or Harry can train from a textbook. Sure, if you can 'perform' from textbook scripts well, you probably don't get that bad a critique but the audience today are a discerning bunch. You got to do more then 'read from the text' well... you jolly well have to know what the heck you are talking about. The true test is always the Q & A, i've seen the rubbish people do at Q & A where the trainers don't even understand the questions and concerns, hence just sweep those aside. Some would just altogether skip this part.

So my opinion is to these people... get back into the game people! Don't just wear a nice suit/dress and stand infront of people talking AS IF you know what's happening out there. Go into the classrooms. Work with a child. Talk to parents. Talk to the teachers. Try implementing those things that you have said THEN come back and tell me that what's you are saying is truly reflecting current reality and needs of the people. And for godsakes... get some NEW video clips!